Sarah Yoo - What's My Partner's Attachment Style?

What's My **Partner's** Attachment Style?
**Instructions – Select either ×, ~, or ✓ for each item based on the key below:**
×: Very untrue of him or her

~:Moderately true of him or her

✓: Very true of him or her
Group A
Sends mixed signals. Seems distant and aloof yet vulnerable at the same time (which you find irresistible). Sometimes calls a lot and other times not at all. Says something intimate like “When we move in together . . .”; but later acts as though you don’t have a future as a couple.
Values his/her independence greatly —looks down on dependency and “neediness.” “I need a lot of space.” “My work takes up so much of my time there’s no room for anyone serious in my life right now.” “I could never be with someone who isn’t completely self-sufficient.”
Devalues you (or previous partners)—even if only jokingly. Jokes about how lousy you are at reading maps or how “cute” it is that you’re roly-poly. Describes someone s/he was once really interested in but after a couple of dates became turned off by because of some physical feature. Cheated on a past partner.
Uses distancing strategies—emotional or physical. Had a previous partner for six years, but they lived in separate households. Prefers to go to sleep at home, to use separate blankets, or to sleep in a separate bed. Prefers taking vacations alone. Plans are left unclear—when you will meet again, when s/he will move in. Stays a stride ahead of you when you’re walking together.
Emphasizes boundaries in the relationship. Makes you feel that “These are MY friends [or family]—keep out!” Doesn’t want to invite you to his/her place, prefers to spend time at yours.
Has an unrealistically romantic view of how a relationship should be. Talks longingly about finding that one perfect person one day. Idealizes a past relationship but is vague about what went wrong. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to feel again the way I did about my ex.”
Mistrustful—fears being taken advantage of by partner. Is sure that dates are out to “hitch” him/her into marriage. Fears partner will take financial advantage of him or her.
Has rigid view of relationships and uncompromising rules (which you must comply with). Has a strong preference for a certain “type” of partner: very good-looking or very thin or blond, for example. Is certain it’s best to live in separate houses or not to get married. Makes sweeping statements like “All women/men want such-and-such” or “After you get married or move in together, they change on you.” Doesn’t like talking on the phone even if this is your main way to connect.
During a disagreement, needs to get away or “explodes.” “You know what, forget it, I don’t want to talk about it.” Gets up and walks out in fury.
Doesn’t make his/her intentions clear—leaves you guessing as to his/her feelings. Stays with you for a long time but doesn’t say “I love you.” Talks about going abroad for a year without mentioning where that leaves the two of you.
Has difficulty talking about what’s going on between you. Makes you feel uncomfortable for asking where the relationship is headed. When you say something is bothering you, responds “I’m sorry . . .” without further clarification. Certain topics are off-limits.
Group B
Reliable and consistent. Phones when s/he says s/he’ll phone. Makes plans in advance and follows through. If can’t make it, gives advance notice, apologizes, and specifies an alternative plan. Doesn’t go back on promises. If s/he can’t keep promise—explains!
Makes decisions with you Discusses plans, doesn’t like to decide without hearing your opinion first. Makes plans that take your preferences into account. Doesn’t assume s/he knows best.
Flexible view of relationships. Isn’t looking for a particular type of partner;, e.g., a certain age or appearance. Is open to different arrangements—like moving in together, or joint versus separate bank accounts. Doesn’t make sweeping statements like “All women/men want such-and-such” or “After you get married or move in together, they change on you.”
Communicates relationship issues well. Makes you feel comfortable for asking about where the relationship stands or how s/he sees your future together (even if the answer isn’t to your liking). Tells you if something is bothering him or her; doesn’t act out or expect you to guess.
Can reach compromise during arguments. Does his/her best to understand what is really bothering you and to address that issue. When you have a misunderstanding, is not too busy proving s/he is right to solve the problem.
Not afraid of commitment or dependency. Doesn’t worry that you are trying to impinge on his/her territory or freedom. Isn’t afraid you or other partners are trying to trap him/her into marriage, get his/her money, etc.
Doesn’t view relationship as hard work. Doesn’t talk about how much compromise and effort a relationship takes. Is open to starting a new relationship even when circumstances aren’t ideal (e.g., when work/studies take up much time).
Closeness creates further closeness After an emotional or revealing conversation, reassures you and is there for you. Doesn’t suddenly get cold feet! After sleeping together, tells you how much you mean to him/ her (not just how good the sex was).
Introduces friends and family early on. Wants to make you part of his/her circle of friends. Might not initiate your meeting his/her family, but if you ask to meet them or invite him/her to meet yours, will be happy to.
Naturally expresses feelings for you. Usually tells you early on how s/he feels about you. Uses those three words “I love you” generously.
Doesn’t play games. Doesn’t leave you guessing or try to make you feel jealous. Doesn’t make calculations such as “I already called twice, now it’s your turn” or “You waited an entire day to get back to me now I’ll wait a day too.”
Group C
Wants a lot of closeness in the relationship. Agrees to go on joint vacations, move in together, or spend all your time together early in relationship (although might not initiate it). Likes a great deal of physical contact (holding hands, caressing, kissing).
Expresses insecurities—worries about rejection. Asks a lot of questions about your past partners to assess where s/he stands in comparison. Tries to see whether you still have feelings for your ex. Tries hard to please you. Fears that you’ll stop having feelings toward him/her or will lose sexual interest.
Unhappy when not in a relationship. You can sense that he or she is desperate to find someone even if he/she doesn’t say so. Sometimes the date feels like an interview for the “future husband/wife” slot.
Plays games to keep your attention/interest. Acts distant and uninterested if you haven’t called for a few days. Pretends to be unavailable or busy. Tries to manipulate certain situations to make you more available/interested in her/him.
Has difficulty explaining what’s bothering him/her. Expects you to guess. Expects you to pick up from subtle cues that s/he is upset. (If this doesn’t work, acts out.)
Acts out—instead of trying to resolve the problem between you. Threatens to leave during an argument (but later changes his/ her mind). Doesn’t express his/her needs but eventually acts upset about an accumulation of hurts.
*Has a hard time not* making things about himself/herself in the relationship.** If you have to work late when s/he has a party, interprets it as “You don’t want to meet my friends.” If you come home tired and don’t want to talk, interprets it as “You don’t love me anymore.”
Lets you set the tone of the relationship so as not to get hurt. You call, s/he calls; you say you have feelings, s/he says s/he has feelings for you (at least at first). Doesn’t want to take chances.
Is preoccupied with the relationship. At the end of a date, you go home to sleep. S/he goes home to hash out every detail with friends. When you’re not together, calls or texts a lot or doesn’t call at all and waits for you to call (as a defensive act). You can tell that s/he thinks about the relationship a lot.
Fears that small acts will ruin the relationship; believes s/he must work hard to keep your interest. Says things like “I called you so many times today, I’m afraid you’ll get tired of me” or “I really didn’t present myself very well to your family, and now your family will hate me.”
Suspicious that you may be unfaithful. Gets access to your password and checks your e-mail account. Hypervigilant about your whereabouts. Goes through your belongings looking for evidence.

Your Results

Scoring Key

11–17: Very low. Your partner definitely doesn’t have this attachment style.
18–22: Moderate. Your partner shows a tendency toward this attachment style.
23–33: High. Your partner definitely has this attachment style.

As a rule of thumb, the higher the score, the stronger the inclination toward that style. Any score of 23 or above indicates a strong likelihood of a particular attachment style. If your partner is high on two attachment styles, chances are that those are the avoidant and anxious ones. Some of the behaviors of these two styles are outwardly similar (even though they originate from very different romantic attitudes).

Score of 23 or above for Group A:

It seems that your partner/date has an avoidant attachment style. This means that you can’t take closeness and intimacy for granted. Someone secure or anxious has a basic wish to be close; with someone avoidant that basic desire is missing. While they have a need for attachment and love—they too posses a basic mechanism in the brain to get attached—they tend to feel suffocated when things get too close. With avoidants, everyday interactions and conversations, whether they’re about which channel to watch on TV or how to raise the kids, are actually negotiations for space and independence. You often wind up complying with their wishes—because otherwise they will withdraw. Research shows that avoidants hardly ever date one another. They simply lack the glue that keeps things together.

Score of 23 or above for Group B:

Your partner/date has a secure attachment style. Such people want to be close; at the same time they are not overly sensitive to rejection. They are also great communicators and know how to get their message across in a way that is straightforward yet not accusing. Once you get close to someone with this attachment style, you don’t have to negotiate intimacy anymore: It becomes a given . This frees both of you to enjoy life and grow. They listen to your point of view and try to make things work in a way that will be acceptable to you both. They have an innate understanding of what a romantic partnership means—namely, that your partner’s well-being is your own and vice versa. These qualities allow you to be your most authentic self, which research has shown to be one of the most important factors contributing to your overall happiness and well-being.

Score of 23 or above for Group C:

Your partner/date has an anxious attachment style. This is not necessarily a bad thing as long as you take the trouble to get into his or her mind-set. Someone with an anxious attachment style craves intimacy but is also very sensitive to even the smallest of perceived threats to this closeness. Sometimes they’ll interpret your unconscious actions as a threat to the relationship. When this happens, they become flooded with apprehension, but they lack the skills to communicate their distress to you effectively. Instead, they resort to a lot of acting out and drama. This can create a vicious cycle as they become even more sensitive to slights and their distress is compounded. This does sound daunting, but before you call it quits, it is important to know that if you’re sensitive and nurturing enough to calm their fears—which is very doable—you will win a greatly loving and devoted partner. Once you are receptive to their basic needs for warmth and security, their sensitivity can become an asset; they’ll be very much in tune with your wants and will be helpful and dedicated. What’s more, they will also gradually learn how to communicate their fears and emotions better and you will need to second-guess them less and less.